Night Crawlers

I have recently stumbled upon a blog http://www.nairobinights.co.cc/ which is already ruffling a couple of feathers, reviving the sleeping online Christian crusaders and drawing out all the lecherous men of the virtual world. The blog so to speak is thought provoking with a great mix of controversy which none the less leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Whether the blog is being written by an actual intelligent prostitute (according to me all night walkers are intelligent, true story which I won’t get into right now), or may be written by a male journalist as speculated or may just be a marketing strategy for the magazine UP. However it took me back to my own encounter with the ladies of the night.

Immediately after my emancipation (completing high school) raving was all that my friends and I got took part in. Just thinking about it brings back nostalgic memories of one of us being frozen from entering a club and the devious means we used to get in as well as raving on a budget ( only having fare back home but all the same getting free drinks thrown your way the whole night). Those were the days, at least at that time. As with every other high school graduants my pals and I were into the whole mini skirt/shorts/dress craze. Luckily most of the times we went out we had a ride at our disposal but there was this one night when we had to take public transport. To begin with back then trench coats didn’t exists so we were pretty much bearing it all from the stage all the way to rave. Must have been just our night, seating next to alcoholic men in the back seat might get your fare paid but you have to make do with a lot of accidental groping. Finally my pals and I couldn’t take the groping and alighted from the mat only to end up at a touts hang out joint. I should point out that these pals of mine were the snotty type, you know the kind who think that they live in Gossip girl. So the touts tried to make small talk and any person trying to keep from trouble knows that its best to go with the vibe. But my pals were doing the whole cold snotty higher than mighty attitude thing which of cause elicited abuses from the touts. We were called Malayas which still amazes me, if you refuse advances from a man in Nairobi you are quickly christened the malaya title. Worst is they kept praising me, since I was the down to earth one which didn’t go well with my pals. Finally a bus came over and we quickly took solace in it. The thing is while people our age are on the way to the trendiest club in town, the old folks and others are on their way to a crusade or kesha of some sort. That bus seemed to be filled with old timers and we had to endear sneers and loud remarks at how the world has lost it’ s morals. When did the world become an entity was all I could think of. Finally the grueling ride ended since it was about 10 in the night and traffic jams have usually well taken to slumber at that time. From the CBD the we took a cab to electric avenue which was the place to be during those days. We popped open our ritualistic pre rave booty and the night was back on truck again. The cab driver must have been new to the trade and almost got us into a number of fender benders while awing at us and stammering praises at how sweet we looked. Of cause we led him on and a cab ride that would have cost us about 3 sok got bargained down to a sok. Finally at electric avenue two of us get in and the rest get frozen. This time I think we got a bouncer who balled for the other team and couldn’t se our charm to get in. So we had no other choice but to go back to the CBD clubs. We were into the loud club on wheels stage and of cause took a mat back to the CBD. The mat was stopped at University way by the coppers and we found ourselves walking down the famous K street. By then our bottys of bubbly were working major and we were going along with the whistles and lecherous gestures from the men we met. Of cause we were feeling hot and didn’t give it a thought. A lot of men in their big cars were stopping and offering to take us wherever we were going. But we stuck together. Now as we walked on, we met a pack of night crawlers and I smelled danger. This was near City market and I told my pals that we should go to the other side of the street but of cause they didn’t listen. Till this day I do no know where those skimpily dressed night crawlers removed the weapons of mass destruction (stones) which they begun to pelt us with. Woe unto the horny boys who were trailing us trying to get em some. All I can remeber was a cab came to our rescue and we were quick to jump in leaving the poor boys victims of the lamp shades, as my friend calls them. Which brings me to the next night crawler story.

We were from a function of sorts and were on our way home at around 11. We stopped to buy airtime which just happened to be on K street. So we are dissing a horrifically dressed night crawler as we are looking for parking space. As we stop right by where she is, my pal realizes that the said night crawler is her cousin. So they start exchanging pleasantries and my pal asks the said night crawler what she does. Effortlessly the night crawler says that she sells lamp shades to tourists. To her defense she was standing outside the 680 but she was not spotting any lamp shades and the horrific skimpy outfit she was wearing left no room to store her stock of lamp shades, let alone the fact that it was 11p.m. From hence forth we dubbed the night crawlers lamp shades.

My one on one encounter with a night crawler left me quite perplexed. I was from the National Theater and had braced K street alone at around 10 in the night. When I was around I&M getting ready to cross the road I dropped a bangle. I am busy trying to pick it up when this lady approaches me. I am calling her a lady to be polite but she was a hood looking like mama and I knew that if a fight broke out I absolutely had no chances against her. She goes like ‘Niaje?’ I am trying my best not to show any inkling of being scared shit less so I stay calm and reciprocate her greeting with a quipped ‘poa’. Then she goes like ‘Niokole mbao nifike home, leo works iko down’ (Help me with twenty shillings to go home today work has not been favorable. So quickly do the math, I have my laptop in my handbag and a couple of thousands in my wallet which she will definitely see if I open up my bag and start fishing for a 20 bob coin. I tell her that I am badly off and only have my fare back home. By this time we have halfway crossed the road and are near Simmers since I thought that I was safer near a crowd. She asks me if I go to Simmers since she heard that there are a lot of jungus there. I have been to Simmers and funny enough with jungu pals who were visiting and had wanted to sample lingala music. I tell her that a lot of jungus frequent the place. That is when she asked me a question which took me aback. She started with ‘We ni msupu inaka machali wengi hukukufia virahisi’ (You are beautiful it looks like the men easily fall for you). To make matters worse a couple of guys pass by whooping and whistling. My eyes are popping and I start hastening my pace but she is still trailing me. Then she spits out, ‘We hulipisha ngapi?’ (How much do you charge)? I stop and look at her and she looks damn serious. That’s when it hits me that she is new at the trade. Ok and that she mistook me for a night crawler. I just rushed on and didn’t say a word only to bump into a Congolese man which looked like I was hagging him and the man had the audacity to cup a feel. I didn’t hear what the man had to say since I ran to the nearest taxi which took me home. So to speak I burnt my decent clothes which got me mistaken for a hooker and I have never frequent K street past 9 at night again. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem with the night crawlers everyone has to make money one way or another but I guess my pride is the only thing that has kept me from trading along that path on many occasions.

The Transformation

Contrary to popular belief, or what my blog has led you to think, there’s much more to who I am than lechery. Actually when I started this blog, I was going through the party phase of my life. Wow just being able to admit that shows how different or rather how much growth I have gone through. Don’t get me wrong I still party and enjoy an occasional drink but not at the rate I used to two years ago. I guess once you feel like you have been there and done that, it just becomes boring. I have lost friends in my growth process or maybe I got lost somewhere along the way. In a nut shell, my blog is going to change a little bit. I will stay true to who I am and craziness is still a huge part of my life. However my blog will largely focus on my career since that’s the point I am in life; growing my career. Hope my readers won’t be dissapointed by the transformation but its just what I have to do.

A little bit rusty

First of all I can’t even remember the last time I was here so I am asking you to pardon me if I might sound a little bit rusty. So this is basically about my ‘little bit rusty’ experiences. You know the kind of firsts, where you want to make it seem like you know it all but you don;t really know spit. So the one that comes to mind would be when I was 13 but said that I was 14 (huge difference!) and lied about not being a v. Right now I am looking back and laughing my head off. this guy was my first, almost everything. First real kiss, first to touch my boobs and first i ever gave a Bj. So of cause we go to his house and we start down to the naughty and I am all along pretending to know my way around the kitchen. Lets just say that it wasn’t the worst experience but would have been a lot better if I had just admitted that I didn’t know what I was doing. Don’t take your minds to the gutter people I walked away with my cherry intact and still had a lot of firsts to go through.
The second first was also a blind first. You know when you are talking with new friends and you want to build a huge image of yourself and you spin tales? well one came back to bite me. So we were talking about exotic locations that we had been to and I was like I was everywhere. As it would turn out we ended up going to one of the locations that I was bragging I’d visited. So my new found friends elected me the tour master. Not only had I never been to the said location, but I had made up a whole lot of sites and locations that they wanted to visit and experience the craziness that I had. Lets just say alcohol is the best creation in the world. After downing a whole lot of alcohol, no one remembered that I was the appointed tour guide until we were leaving.
The third first was being caught in a lie. I am a serial fibber I must admit. I could spin tales without having an actual tail. So there I was, again with new found friend. So it was the usual get to know each other kind of thing going on. So I created an entire clan and placed them in a remote location in the country. Shock on me one of my new found friends was actually from the remote location and the said new friend’s dad was the chief therefore the said new friend knew everyone in the location. Let’s just say that this is one of those fibs I didn’t quite get away with but it taught me to fib better.
so there it is, i have just rumbled about who knows what and it sure does mean that I am back. Check this space for more.

I’m back-again

My lecturer wants us to create a blog so I have to post something. I have been AWOL for a while and that is because I had traveled to Uganda for a film lab and worked as a 1st AD in a short film. It was the best one month I’ve had. I met a lot of film makers from all over the globe. Back to Kenya, 2 of my films screened at the Kenya film festival and got great reviews. On that note if you want a copy of any of my films, at a reasonable price, drop me a line. Bella, viper and the rest I hope to read new stuff from you.

TEAM (The Enemies Around Me)

So I have been lazier than the word lazy and haven’t even tried to post a full stop. In my defense, being lazy is very appealing plus I have been buried under a tonne of work so you have to cut me some slack. As my heading suggests this is a hate blog, so be advised the content you are about to read has a lot of hate-ration all up on it. If you are a sissy or too stupid to comprehend what is going on why the fuck have you read all this? There are moments in life when you decide to take a step back and realize that you thought that you were fucking the world up only to realize that you are the bitch. Pardon my language-not. I realize that I have restrained myrself trying to conform to societal hogwash and be the perfect representation of citizenry, what the fuck does that even mean? After investing years of friendship I get back stabbed and used as a door mat on so many occasions till I decide that enough is enough. Fuck you losers who tried to drag me down with you, I aint no scum like the ones you hung around. Then the industry, why the heck am I still around? Team work, Team work, shit work. In a Team is when you see all the enemies that surround you. No one gives a damn about you, they just want to be the kiss arses who think that the way to success is to step all over others. Call me a bitch, right now I don’t give a hoot. I don’t suck up to no one, I take what I want, when I want it and don’t give a damn what people think. The world went wrong when we started caring about what other people think of us. Everyone is wondering what everyone else is thinking about them so in reality no one gives, what you do or say is your own ish since they are too caught up thinking of what others think of them. Its an intertwined web of lies and deceit. Right now this is helping a lot, a few more weeks here in my sanctuary from the bitch ass fakes parading around Kenya in particular pretending to be nothing at all. Uganda also has snakes in lions skins, innit? but whatever they say enjoy the fun while it lasts. I salute y’all who hold your heads high and stick it to the man!

MY DISEASE

They say that the best way to get over a man is to get on top of another one, at least that’s what my friend Glo told my girl Nelz when she was going through a rough patch with her boo. As you can imagine that saying, if it is, didn’t go quite well with my girl Nelz. On the other hand, I think its the best remedy for my disease. I am so caught up on Idd it ain’t funny. I know, if he don’t love be by now, he ain’t never gonna love me. Sometimes you just can’t help how you feel about someone, I think I have let go of a thousand good guys who would have been the “one” for this one guy who doesn’t seem to feel the same way I do. loneliness is a place i always find myself, irrespective of the route I use. a friend told me to give up on looking and that is when i will find what I am looking for. it’s hard to stop looking when you are darn horny. Mr. Fix could have been someone, but he would just be wrong. All trails always lead me back to Idd. Sorry on getting all sissy on y’all but a girl has her moments. anyway it’s been a ride working on the latest film to hit the cinemas, it’s called strata and you should look out for it. plus you better vote for our film The dance for wives for best short film and best leading actress. Either go to www.kalashaawards.co.ke and vote or vote through sms. vote codes are F11B and F3B to 2706, support local content and to get a copy of the film get in touch with me on bernshizzle@yahoo.com.

THE BAG SITTER

They say silence is the eloquence of truth, that definately means noise is the opposite of this. Picture this, in a darkened, loud club, I walk in with my girls, Dq, Sista, Natty and a couple of other friends. 1st second we do the Charlie’s angel walk of fame into the joint. 2nd second some rich MOFO decides that he’s into Dq and whisks her away. 3rd second natty is backing it up with this guy who claims to know her. 4th second sista has pulled one of her famous disappearing acts and we definately know what she’s up to. 5th second I’m sitting wondering how that happened again, but hey at least they left me all their drinks. Freeze the entire scene (don’t blame a girl, my whole life is a film) on a closer inspection my girl Dq suffers from self diagnosed paronoia. Happens to all the beautiful ladies, especially if they are the stars in certain local TV shows. Suddenly people are stalking her (she makes sure to say loud enough for everyone to hear that she doesn’t want to breach her contract) she needs a body guard (apart from Redsan and Prezzo, who the heck hauls one around?) she believes that other ladies hate her (with an 60 degree attitude, I wonder why?) so any sad guy who gives her attention wins her heart. Then there’s Natty, she has Drusicilla the witch for a sister and is almost hitched to an ancient man. To her girl’s night out, is let lose night. She fears the fact that she’s in a relationship with a man 20 years older and wants to redeam herself when he’s not around. Her warped relationship with her family made her stronger since she had to grow up fast. That’s why she’ll be the one who will be up for anything, anyplace, anyway, if just to escape her reality for a second. Sista on the other hand has little demons flying round her head. She has also gone through hell in life. She had to put her life on hold for her family and now that she’s living again she’s on over drive. She wants to prove that she can have anything and goes after guys we like, not to hurt us, she just can’t help it. Its a disease and the cure is her own conscience, coming to terms with what happened to her and who she is now. Unfreeze frame, I’m getting overly tipsy from downing all those drinks. The noise is suddenly silent. I can’t hear a thing, I’m in my own utopia. With no guy to worry about, a moment away from my pain, I just am. And I don’t mind bag sitting again.

It’s Exquisite baby

I own a company! Boy haven’t i waited to utter those words. I have four partners and we just did our first film TWISTS OF FATE watch out for it. What’s so interesting is how none of the pioneers in the industry were willing to help us out, now they be all up on our grill wanting in. Exquisite production company is what’s happening. i sound like a crazed mainiac but how many people can boast of owning companies at 21? Ooops I just told you my age right there. It’s exhilarating, its my dreams actualizing. The shoot of our first movie was a journey, a 3 day shoot from 1st of May to 3rd May. We darn scared a mama that we were hijacking a car when we were shooting at 11pm on Sunday. I mean didn’t she see the camera? I hope that will make it in the ‘behind the scenes.’ The love scenes we did, i think i might just do a porn flick as long as I am not the one infront of the camera. the launch will be massive, we are doing our own Kenyan hollywood launch. It will be all about the glitz and the glamour, hell no! We doing it the ghetto way,Lot’s of booze, a few critiques to trash our film and lots of our friends to sing praises about us. It’s going to be Exquisite!

I’m back!

I must admit, I have been suffering from what is comonly known as laziness. Its not all the different kinds of unimaginable blocks as I would have you believe because I do have a lot to write about. I have just been darn lazy to blog or write, through which I make my living. A lot of things have gone down the last couple of weeks, where to begin? Ok, my son turned 2 I hosted a party for him this Sato and ended up mbotching. I love partying, only when what I have to do is seat my arse down and drink myself silly. Debauchery parties on the other hand are the kind of parties I don’t mind hosting. All you have to do is throw a couple of dudes and ‘ladies’ in a room, provide booze and some rubber and you are good to go. So hosting a kiddie bash with a backfired debauchery after party wasn’t my cup of tea. I spent the whole day, not forgeting the previous night I had a sleepover aka drinking fest with the girls, from like 9a.m to 2p.m cooking and cleaning. Then who forgot to check on the sound? Last minute running around looking for a PA sytem and buying booze. Let me not make it sound bad, everyone had fun except me. I missed out on the truth and dare segment and had to make do with what I heard and it was my party! I was sober as hell and how I kept from blowing (not literaly) over the roof when my lovely bundle of love aka my son decided my laptop wanted in on the action and fed it booze. Plus my Fix (guy I have sex with from time to time) turned up with Mr. Sleek (Guy I want to have sex with) and Mr. Sleeze ( Guy who wants to have sex with me) and I had to bump into them making out with people all over the place! They did an early exit, which was good but I forgot to give Mr. fix his shoes back (I went for a fix to his house, my heels snaped and he lent me his shoes, that’s the short version). Did I mention my laptop is fried? Oh yah, I ended up broke as hell after coughing up money to buy booze and Mr. Sleeze had the audacity to demand for hard liquor! I hosted a sleepover aka bitch fest, my girl Flexx and her lovely two sisters, joined Sista, Naty girl and me in a gossip fest. Secrets were revealed, sizes compared and prowess shreded to the ground, is all I’m saying! Aparently Mr. Sleek is also a Mr. Sleeze Who’s got threads all up in Nairobi so I’m so over that. Did I mention that I have a shell for a laptop now, its the porn I that I miss. Anyone with crazy local porn in kyuk, luo and kao hook me up. So to say I’m back!

INTERVIEW FROM HELL!

Let me start by giving you a peak into my wardrobe, I have jean trousers, tops, jackets and more trousers. I do not own any clothing item that might resemble formal wear or could pass for formal. I used to dress like a boy ( I would have included in my ’25 things’, but y’all who did it made me hate it!) this was because from time immemorial I have had issues with my body ( Also would have been included in my 25) I was an early bloomer (Looking back at it I would kill to have the body I had back then!) By 13, I had developed curvalicious curves and lady lumps that drove guys crazy ( I had no interest in guys whatsoever! (I was in the football team what do you expect?) My blooming began in 5th grade, hence the dressing like a boy to hide my larger than life boobs. I cross dressed for a couple of years and also went through the whole chubby, then thin phases which did not help the situation at all. I am getting out of topic but the point is I do not own anything that ressembles a skirt or suit for that matter. I had applied for a training programme at MEDEVA (google it, I don’t care to explain) for a training programme about two weeks ago. With my luck in scoring a three month work contract with Kenya Imagine (google it too) I forgot about job hunting momentarily. So on Tuesday, I am trying to sleep in a mat from KU after visiting my girl Mat (Totally rhymed there) I get this call. Usually if I don’t know the number, I let it ring on and don’t pick, that is if I don’t feel like picking up my phone. ( yeah I know am a bitch!) But I had to prove a point to this dude who kept flashing his fake ass china phone in my face that ‘Hawes make!’ I let it ring on and waited fot it to tell me the caller’s name ( Nokia N series do tell you the callers name!) but it didn’t, meaning it was a call from a number not in my phone book.Taking all the time in the world, I chucked my phone from my bag and answered it. A ladies voice came through:
“Hello is this (Insert my french name)?’
For numbers I don’t know, when the caller addressses me using my official name, I know that it is business related and not a call from one of the many dating sites I have subscribed to. ( Long story, I should do a post titled ‘The long stories’)
“Yes, this is her.” I replied trying to be audible over the racket the matatu was playing in the name of music.
“I am calling for MEDEVA, can you come for an interview on Thursday?” The lady continued proving that she heard me over the rackus.
“Could you kindly text the details to me, I am in a loud matatu I can’t hear you well.” I told her in an attempt to make sure that I do not get the details wrong.
“Just confirm that you can make it on Thursday at 9a.m” She continued firmly.
“Thursday morning, yes I can make it.” I told her and she hung up. Fast foward to Wednesday night, I wanted to prep for the interview but KPLC had other ideas, plunging half the city into darkness. I had to get conversant with current issues, so I tried reading the newspapers in candle light and gave up. Come morning woke up on time, after transport drama ( I live in Eastlands, the hull of traffic and matatu issues) I got myself to their offices at the Go Down Arts center. I liked their strategy, everyone had been asssigned a particular time to show up for the interview. MEDEVA was not a new teritory for me since I had worked with them before on a short film. That got me worried, I was hoping that they chose me for the interview on my merits and not because of some strings pulled. I hadn’t even told them that I had applied and I doubt whether they even know my full names! On second thought, they must know my names, they needed them for the credits. I was the ‘loud one’ as usual asking questions and getting up on everyones space. At this point one of the ladies points out that I am the only one not wearing a suit. I was like, ‘ Was that a requirement?’ the look on their faces said it all, ‘Who goes for an interview in casual wear?’ Forget the fact that I was doing the ‘Smart casual’ look. So it gets to my turn and I get to the board room. There are four of them, three men and a lady. They have squeezed themselves in a corner with a table infront of them. on the other side of the table a single chair rests in the vast space, awaiting the victim who is to be interviewed. Ok, it was a tiny room but I hope you get my point. worst nightmare situation, one of the interviewers was my acquiantance, I worked with him in the short film. And, yeah theres a aaand, I used to flirt with him subtley and talk dirty, which is all I ever do anyway. He sees me and avoids eye contact completely. At this point, the Director asks me to take a seat and introduces the others. I was lost in my thoughts and cannot remember their names except for Mr. Flirt. They reel you in, warm you up asking how you are doing knowing the answer very well. That was when the drilling started:
MR FLIRT:Pick any issue that has currently been in the news and tell us something about it.
At this point I am thinking easy, the maize scandal. Then he continues,
MR FLIRT: APART FROM THE MAIZE AND OIL SCANDALS.
Lets just say, I mumbled something about inflation, he threw a couple of questions back at me and I was able to answer them. that was when it went downhill.
DIRECTOR: You are a journalism student at ( Insert the univesity I am in)
I reply that I am indeed a student at the said university.
DIRECTOR: What does CCK stand foR?
I momentarily went through a brain freeze, my mind was trying really hard to scan through my hard disk for the answer, I knew that it was something of Kenya. I smiled and replied that i did not know.
INTERVIEWER 1: And you are a journalist? You should know this, who is the assistant minister for communication?
At this point, I am thinking what the heck? who knows that? I am into politics but not that obsessively! I reply,
“I am not aware who is.”
At this point they have recognized my weakness and use it against me.
INTERVIEWER 1: Where is the ministry of communication. If you were a journalist and we sent you there would you go asking around or you know where it is?
Calmly and collected I reply,
“I would inquire where it is.”
LADY INTERVIEWER: Who is the script writer of Slum dog millionaire?
Ok, I realize she was trying to get me out of the hole that I ws sinking deeper into, but she wasn’t helping at all. I haven’t watched that film, so I wouldn’t know. Yes, I should know being a script writer and all, but I am just not a geek who goes around cramming film makers and their directory of films. I shake my head in responce that I do not know. MR. FLIRT comes to my recue.
MR. FLIRT: Tell us the process of writing scripts, how do you go about it?
I go on and on, redeaming myself and MR. FLIRT throws in a mention of the productions that I have scripted for. But he wasn’t going to cut me some slack.
MR. FLIRT: Who is David Campbell?
To which i promptly reply.
“The executive producer of Makutano Junction.”
MR FLIRT: I would have been shocked if you didn’t know that.
From there on, it wasn’t so bad, they asked me what was my favorite local production and why and what i would preffer to specialize in if they picked me for the training. I answered them confidently and after what seemed like an eternity, they dissmissed me.
DIRECTOR: Expect a call from us by tommorrow evening on whether you have made it through.
I walk out with a plastered smile on my face, since the others awaiting their turn were gauging what to expect by the expression on their precidors face. as I get to the bus stop, I am like, Communication commission of Kenya. I knew what CCK stood for, it was just the nerves I guess. But whatever, you can’t win them all, at least I have the three month contract as back up!