My lecturer wants us to create a blog so I have to post something. I have been AWOL for a while and that is because I had travelled to Uganda for a film lab and worked as a 1st AD in a short film. It was the best one month I’ve had since I met with film makers from all over the globe. Back to Kenya 2 of my films screened in the Kenya film festival and got great reviews. on that note if you want a copy of any of my films, at a reasonable price, drop me a line. Bella, viper and the rest I hope to read new stuff from you.
TEAM (The Enemies Around Me)
So I have been lazier than the word lazy and haven’t even tried to post a full stop in a while. In my defense, being lazy is very appealing plus I have been burried in a tonne of work so you have to cut me some slack. As my heading suggests this is a hate blog, so be advised the content you are about to read has a lot of hateration all up on it. If you are a sissy or too stupid to comprehend what is going on why the fuck have you read all this? There are moments in life when you decide to take a step back and realize that you thought that you were fucking the world up only to realize that you are the bitch. The sudden urge to curse comes from the realiztion that you have restrained yourself trying to conform to societal hogwash and be the perfect representation of citizenry, what the fuck does that even mean? After investing years of friendship you get backstabbed and used as a door mat on so many occassions till you decide that enough is enough. Fuck you losers who tried to drag me down with you, I aint no scum like the ones you hung around with. Then the industry, why the heck am I still around? Team work, Team work, shit work. In a Team is when you see all the enemies that surround you. No one gives a damn about you, they just want to be the kiss arses who think that the way to success is to step all over others. That is why I easily am a bitch right now, I don’t suck it up to no one, I take what I want, when I want it and don’t give a hoot what people think. The world went wrong when we started caring about what other people think of us. Everyone is wondering what everyone else is thinking about them so in reality no one gives what you do or say since they are too caught up thinking of what the others think of them. Its an intertwined web of lies and deceit. Right now this is helping a lot, a few more weeks here in my sanctuary from the bitch ass fakes parading around Kenya in particular pretending to be nothing at all. Uganda also has snakes in lions skins, innit? but whatever they say enjoy the fun while it lasts. I salute y’all who hold your heads high and stick it to the man!
MY DISEASE
They say that the best way to get over a man is to get on top of another one, at least that’s what my friend Glo told my girl Nelz when she was going through a rough patch with her boo. As you can imagine that saying, if it is, didn’t go quite well with my girl Nelz. On the other hand, I think its the best remedy for my disease. I am so caught up on Idd it ain’t funny. I know, if he don’t love be by now, he ain’t never gonna love me. Sometimes you just can’t help how you feel about someone, I think I have let go of a thousand good guys who would have been the “one” for this one guy who doesn’t seem to feel the same way I do. loneliness is a place i always find myself, irrespective of the route I use. a friend told me to give up on looking and that is when i will find what I am looking for. it’s hard to stop looking when you are darn horny. Mr. Fix could have been someone, but he would just be wrong. All trails always lead me back to Idd. Sorry on getting all sissy on y’all but a girl has her moments. anyway it’s been a ride working on the latest film to hit the cinemas, it’s called strata and you should look out for it. plus you better vote for our film The dance for wives for best short film and best leading actress. Either go to www.kalashaawards.co.ke and vote or vote through sms. vote codes are F11B and F3B to 2706, support local content and to get a copy of the film get in touch with me on bernshizzle@yahoo.com.
THE BAG SITTER
They say silence is the eloquence of truth, that definately means noise is the opposite of this. Picture this, in a darkened, loud club, I walk in with my girls, Dq, Sista, Natty and a couple of other friends. 1st second we do the Charlie’s angel walk of fame into the joint. 2nd second some rich MOFO decides that he’s into Dq and whisks her away. 3rd second natty is backing it up with this guy who claims to know her. 4th second sista has pulled one of her famous disappearing acts and we definately know what she’s up to. 5th second I’m sitting wondering how that happened again, but hey at least they left me all their drinks. Freeze the entire scene (don’t blame a girl, my whole life is a film) on a closer inspection my girl Dq suffers from self diagnosed paronoia. Happens to all the beautiful ladies, especially if they are the stars in certain local TV shows. Suddenly people are stalking her (she makes sure to say loud enough for everyone to hear that she doesn’t want to breach her contract) she needs a body guard (apart from Redsan and Prezzo, who the heck hauls one around?) she believes that other ladies hate her (with an 60 degree attitude, I wonder why?) so any sad guy who gives her attention wins her heart. Then there’s Natty, she has Drusicilla the witch for a sister and is almost hitched to an ancient man. To her girl’s night out, is let lose night. She fears the fact that she’s in a relationship with a man 20 years older and wants to redeam herself when he’s not around. Her warped relationship with her family made her stronger since she had to grow up fast. That’s why she’ll be the one who will be up for anything, anyplace, anyway, if just to escape her reality for a second. Sista on the other hand has little demons flying round her head. She has also gone through hell in life. She had to put her life on hold for her family and now that she’s living again she’s on over drive. She wants to prove that she can have anything and goes after guys we like, not to hurt us, she just can’t help it. Its a disease and the cure is her own conscience, coming to terms with what happened to her and who she is now. Unfreeze frame, I’m getting overly tipsy from downing all those drinks. The noise is suddenly silent. I can’t hear a thing, I’m in my own utopia. With no guy to worry about, a moment away from my pain, I just am. And I don’t mind bag sitting again.
It’s Exquisite baby
I own a company! Boy haven’t i waited to utter those words. I have four partners and we just did our first film TWISTS OF FATE watch out for it. What’s so interesting is how none of the pioneers in the industry were willing to help us out, now they be all up on our grill wanting in. Exquisite production company is what’s happening. i sound like a crazed mainiac but how many people can boast of owning companies at 21? Ooops I just told you my age right there. It’s exhilarating, its my dreams actualizing. The shoot of our first movie was a journey, a 3 day shoot from 1st of May to 3rd May. We darn scared a mama that we were hijacking a car when we were shooting at 11pm on Sunday. I mean didn’t she see the camera? I hope that will make it in the ‘behind the scenes.’ The love scenes we did, i think i might just do a porn flick as long as I am not the one infront of the camera. the launch will be massive, we are doing our own Kenyan hollywood launch. It will be all about the glitz and the glamour, hell no! We doing it the ghetto way,Lot’s of booze, a few critiques to trash our film and lots of our friends to sing praises about us. It’s going to be Exquisite!
I’m back!
I must admit, I have been suffering from what is comonly known as laziness. Its not all the different kinds of unimaginable blocks as I would have you believe because I do have a lot to write about. I have just been darn lazy to blog or write, through which I make my living. A lot of things have gone down the last couple of weeks, where to begin? Ok, my son turned 2 I hosted a party for him this Sato and ended up mbotching. I love partying, only when what I have to do is seat my arse down and drink myself silly. Debauchery parties on the other hand are the kind of parties I don’t mind hosting. All you have to do is throw a couple of dudes and ‘ladies’ in a room, provide booze and some rubber and you are good to go. So hosting a kiddie bash with a backfired debauchery after party wasn’t my cup of tea. I spent the whole day, not forgeting the previous night I had a sleepover aka drinking fest with the girls, from like 9a.m to 2p.m cooking and cleaning. Then who forgot to check on the sound? Last minute running around looking for a PA sytem and buying booze. Let me not make it sound bad, everyone had fun except me. I missed out on the truth and dare segment and had to make do with what I heard and it was my party! I was sober as hell and how I kept from blowing (not literaly) over the roof when my lovely bundle of love aka my son decided my laptop wanted in on the action and fed it booze. Plus my Fix (guy I have sex with from time to time) turned up with Mr. Sleek (Guy I want to have sex with) and Mr. Sleeze ( Guy who wants to have sex with me) and I had to bump into them making out with people all over the place! They did an early exit, which was good but I forgot to give Mr. fix his shoes back (I went for a fix to his house, my heels snaped and he lent me his shoes, that’s the short version). Did I mention my laptop is fried? Oh yah, I ended up broke as hell after coughing up money to buy booze and Mr. Sleeze had the audacity to demand for hard liquor! I hosted a sleepover aka bitch fest, my girl Flexx and her lovely two sisters, joined Sista, Naty girl and me in a gossip fest. Secrets were revealed, sizes compared and prowess shreded to the ground, is all I’m saying! Aparently Mr. Sleek is also a Mr. Sleeze Who’s got threads all up in Nairobi so I’m so over that. Did I mention that I have a shell for a laptop now, its the porn I that I miss. Anyone with crazy local porn in kyuk, luo and kao hook me up. So to say I’m back!
INTERVIEW FROM HELL!
Let me start by giving you a peak into my wardrobe, I have jean trousers, tops, jackets and more trousers. I do not own any clothing item that might resemble formal wear or could pass for formal. I used to dress like a boy ( I would have included in my ‘25 things’, but y’all who did it made me hate it!) this was because from time immemorial I have had issues with my body ( Also would have been included in my 25) I was an early bloomer (Looking back at it I would kill to have the body I had back then!) By 13, I had developed curvalicious curves and lady lumps that drove guys crazy ( I had no interest in guys whatsoever! (I was in the football team what do you expect?) My blooming began in 5th grade, hence the dressing like a boy to hide my larger than life boobs. I cross dressed for a couple of years and also went through the whole chubby, then thin phases which did not help the situation at all. I am getting out of topic but the point is I do not own anything that ressembles a skirt or suit for that matter. I had applied for a training programme at MEDEVA (google it, I don’t care to explain) for a training programme about two weeks ago. With my luck in scoring a three month work contract with Kenya Imagine (google it too) I forgot about job hunting momentarily. So on Tuesday, I am trying to sleep in a mat from KU after visiting my girl Mat (Totally rhymed there) I get this call. Usually if I don’t know the number, I let it ring on and don’t pick, that is if I don’t feel like picking up my phone. ( yeah I know am a bitch!) But I had to prove a point to this dude who kept flashing his fake ass china phone in my face that ‘Hawes make!’ I let it ring on and waited fot it to tell me the caller’s name ( Nokia N series do tell you the callers name!) but it didn’t, meaning it was a call from a number not in my phone book.Taking all the time in the world, I chucked my phone from my bag and answered it. A ladies voice came through:
“Hello is this (Insert my french name)?’
For numbers I don’t know, when the caller addressses me using my official name, I know that it is business related and not a call from one of the many dating sites I have subscribed to. ( Long story, I should do a post titled ‘The long stories’)
“Yes, this is her.” I replied trying to be audible over the racket the matatu was playing in the name of music.
“I am calling for MEDEVA, can you come for an interview on Thursday?” The lady continued proving that she heard me over the rackus.
“Could you kindly text the details to me, I am in a loud matatu I can’t hear you well.” I told her in an attempt to make sure that I do not get the details wrong.
“Just confirm that you can make it on Thursday at 9a.m” She continued firmly.
“Thursday morning, yes I can make it.” I told her and she hung up. Fast foward to Wednesday night, I wanted to prep for the interview but KPLC had other ideas, plunging half the city into darkness. I had to get conversant with current issues, so I tried reading the newspapers in candle light and gave up. Come morning woke up on time, after transport drama ( I live in Eastlands, the hull of traffic and matatu issues) I got myself to their offices at the Go Down Arts center. I liked their strategy, everyone had been asssigned a particular time to show up for the interview. MEDEVA was not a new teritory for me since I had worked with them before on a short film. That got me worried, I was hoping that they chose me for the interview on my merits and not because of some strings pulled. I hadn’t even told them that I had applied and I doubt whether they even know my full names! On second thought, they must know my names, they needed them for the credits. I was the ‘loud one’ as usual asking questions and getting up on everyones space. At this point one of the ladies points out that I am the only one not wearing a suit. I was like, ‘ Was that a requirement?’ the look on their faces said it all, ‘Who goes for an interview in casual wear?’ Forget the fact that I was doing the ‘Smart casual’ look. So it gets to my turn and I get to the board room. There are four of them, three men and a lady. They have squeezed themselves in a corner with a table infront of them. on the other side of the table a single chair rests in the vast space, awaiting the victim who is to be interviewed. Ok, it was a tiny room but I hope you get my point. worst nightmare situation, one of the interviewers was my acquiantance, I worked with him in the short film. And, yeah theres a aaand, I used to flirt with him subtley and talk dirty, which is all I ever do anyway. He sees me and avoids eye contact completely. At this point, the Director asks me to take a seat and introduces the others. I was lost in my thoughts and cannot remember their names except for Mr. Flirt. They reel you in, warm you up asking how you are doing knowing the answer very well. That was when the drilling started:
MR FLIRT:Pick any issue that has currently been in the news and tell us something about it.
At this point I am thinking easy, the maize scandal. Then he continues,
MR FLIRT: APART FROM THE MAIZE AND OIL SCANDALS.
Lets just say, I mumbled something about inflation, he threw a couple of questions back at me and I was able to answer them. that was when it went downhill.
DIRECTOR: You are a journalism student at ( Insert the univesity I am in)
I reply that I am indeed a student at the said university.
DIRECTOR: What does CCK stand foR?
I momentarily went through a brain freeze, my mind was trying really hard to scan through my hard disk for the answer, I knew that it was something of Kenya. I smiled and replied that i did not know.
INTERVIEWER 1: And you are a journalist? You should know this, who is the assistant minister for communication?
At this point, I am thinking what the heck? who knows that? I am into politics but not that obsessively! I reply,
“I am not aware who is.”
At this point they have recognized my weakness and use it against me.
INTERVIEWER 1: Where is the ministry of communication. If you were a journalist and we sent you there would you go asking around or you know where it is?
Calmly and collected I reply,
“I would inquire where it is.”
LADY INTERVIEWER: Who is the script writer of Slum dog millionaire?
Ok, I realize she was trying to get me out of the hole that I ws sinking deeper into, but she wasn’t helping at all. I haven’t watched that film, so I wouldn’t know. Yes, I should know being a script writer and all, but I am just not a geek who goes around cramming film makers and their directory of films. I shake my head in responce that I do not know. MR. FLIRT comes to my recue.
MR. FLIRT: Tell us the process of writing scripts, how do you go about it?
I go on and on, redeaming myself and MR. FLIRT throws in a mention of the productions that I have scripted for. But he wasn’t going to cut me some slack.
MR. FLIRT: Who is David Campbell?
To which i promptly reply.
“The executive producer of Makutano Junction.”
MR FLIRT: I would have been shocked if you didn’t know that.
From there on, it wasn’t so bad, they asked me what was my favorite local production and why and what i would preffer to specialize in if they picked me for the training. I answered them confidently and after what seemed like an eternity, they dissmissed me.
DIRECTOR: Expect a call from us by tommorrow evening on whether you have made it through.
I walk out with a plastered smile on my face, since the others awaiting their turn were gauging what to expect by the expression on their precidors face. as I get to the bus stop, I am like, Communication commission of Kenya. I knew what CCK stood for, it was just the nerves I guess. But whatever, you can’t win them all, at least I have the three month contract as back up!
THIS AND THAT!
This post is going to be a combination of many stories so keep up with the pace. I am not doing the 25 things, that many people have tagged me in. Firstly someone already used the title I was going to use “25 you don’t want to know about me.” Plus almost every who has tagged me have said at least 10 things I would have. So it would just look like I copy pasted, I decided not to do it. The rest would have been a confestion of stuff that I have done that would make most people lose the little respect they have for me, I just confessed one to my friends, they didn’t say it but the look on their faces told it all. They had “Yuze a whore plastered all over their faces.” I met a blogger last night, he is way over the top than I had imagined. In his drunken stupor he tried to make out with me a number of times infront of Damien! I’ll let it slide under the radar coz he’s a cool guy none the less. His parce of friends are also cool and I was pleasantly suprised when I discovered that half of them are my friends on facebook. For the first time I went with booze from Mwendaz home, the lethal poison was a concotion of Mwendaz booze and smuggled booze courtesy of the said blogger’s friends. I left it in the fridge and I think my mum found it. Pity my sister, she’ll be the culprit. I am a tea totoler as far as my family is concerned. My girl, love you siz, nicked ear rings from a jewelery shop, it was just hilarious to me. My girl and I got jobs at the same place, which is totally cool and I get to boss her around, I am her boss. 3rd (Remind me to tell you this story) called me up yesterday, at 11 a.m in the morning for a booty call, sorry but its a bad girl gone good thing going on with me so I don’t do those anymore. Plus I was in a meeting, imagine the shock on my face I pick up the phone and he’s like “what are you up to, si you come over we get up to no good.” It took all that I could master not to blush infront of my bosses, I did the “I’m in a meeting I’ll call you later” thing and hung up. DQ resurfaced with a bag full of drama but had fun having pizza at Sherlocks, head bumping to mad Hip Hop tracks, then hit Mwendaz for the tripple orgies and Blow jobs. Can’t wait to sample their new cocktails today, hope they don’t end up being mocktails like the one’s they already have on their menu. Sorry but they don’t do anything for a sista. I have to slow down on the weekend drinking, now that I am working, i don’t even think I’ll have time. But at least I am getting paid to do stuff that I love to death. I realized I am very creative after a drinking spree, I get home after a DTP ( Disturbin tha peace) session I jump into bed. At this point, I try so hard to sleep, but my friend be drunk dialing me making it difficult to get a wink of sleep. But this is when I get the greatest ideas on what I want to do with an article am writing, or how to finish off a script or a great blog idea. Problem is, I have started getting hanover’s from last week and the creativity disappears just as it came. The week should have two Saturday’s an extra drinking day for the guzzlers like me. HAPPY VALENTINE (NOT) Don’t believe in that shit but y’all who do, spend it productively, like Fuatilia beershara! That’s all I’m saying.
The Jezebel syndrome 2
He pulls me back to him ‘Damn am hard, I want to fuck you but I cant’ he says. At this point I realize (in my drunkness) that the man is in love. On a normal basis I would have pushed and had a ‘Take away’. I had even tried ‘Just one night, we’ll never see each other again.’ I know way to desparate, but most other men usually cave in at the grinding stage. ‘I could have your number and we meet another time’ He says as he checks a message from his fiance. In my drunken stupor in my head I was like ‘He just asked for my number’ but the delayed response had me uttering my number in the cab as I went home to the amusement of the cab driver who was like ‘Kweli umejienjoy’ he had witnessed the spectacle as Damien gave me a single kiss (That’s all I got and I have never been happier) The thing is I respect him, he’s in love, I mean he passed an opportunity there. A man who can be so faithfull earns my respect coz they’ll always be Jezebel’s like me out to ruin relationships. He stood his ground and broke my Jezebel streak. Sista just called me a few minutes ago from Mick’s place. I told her to give Damien my number, not for any evil intentions. I have a feeling that’s a very good friend in the making and I don’t want to miss out on the friendship.
The Jezabel syndrome
First let me start by declaring that am damn horny and last night only made it worse. My friends and I have categorized people into certain syndromes. These syndromes are named after the pioneers who form/make the syndromes. Classical syndromes include: BOBBY BABY SYNDROME, now here’s a story about Bobby, he’s an eye candy. It had been a while since a sista got laid. Once she set her eyes on Bobby she just had to spin that. Nelz (Her good friend from uni) warned her that Bobby baby was 21. The desires of the loins overpowered her and she found herself in the Mwendaz basement after downing some poisons, heatedly making out with Bobby. Now stuff happened and when its almost time to seal the deal, Bobby stops and asks ‘How should we do it? Am I doing ok?’ what saved Bobby’s arse from a literal arse whopping was the watchman who kindly announced that the five minutes were up. Basically a Bobby baby is a dude, between 19-22yrs and sometimes over. Usually a eye candy, blessed with the best tools in human anatomy but he doesn’t have a clue on what to do with them. He gives baby, a literal meaning. Sorry but I aint a teacher, I lay it down, nobody taught me nothing. I am self taught. JACKY POCO SYNDROME, named after my once good friend Jacky. She knows all the A list people and will sleep her way to get jobs. But what stands out about her is that she doesn’t discriminate, she will sleep with anything ( I mean anything) anywhere and anyhow. As long as she gets her end of the bargain. UNDER 18 SYNDROME, sista used to hold this record until recently when Mick slapped it out of her. Under 18 are dudes fresh out of high school looking to be taught the ropes. Sista just loved the Under 18s, she would gladly welcome them to the bossom of her heart and they sure did like her too. In essence Bobby babys sometime fall under this category. JEZABEL SYNDROME, named after the goddess of seduction. I hate to say it, but I currently hold this record. I can’t seem to help it, I always fall for the Gay (As you now well know) married or unattainable men. So I was darn horny( After having cyber sex with 3rd, remind me to tell this story) I was happy that my libido was back, I haven’t been feeling anything for dudes. Not even ladies, which would have at least explained my low inclination to sexual encounters. This has gone on for about six months now, until yesterday when I broke the streak. After watching ‘Phoenix falls in love’ with my girl Sista we hit Mwendaz to down poisons before going home. We are downing Tripple orgies, baileys, Tequila shots, smirfs and Blow jobs (I love my drinks) This comes out of my mouth ‘ I am damn horny, first guy that comes along that I know, will be a lucky bastard tonight.’ Sista is cheering me on. Then guess who comes strolling in? Mick, his best pal (Now to be called Gay dude, long story) and Mick’s bro (Lets call him, Damien, loved ‘Omen’) They come over to say hi and after downing some more I have still not gotten my bait. Sista disappears to Habesha and turns up happy coz she made out with Mick (Aint that cute, NOT, girl get back to your senses. Just coz you got a man don’t go all mushy on us) and she finds it to tell me that Damien was talking to his fiance on phone the whole time. The Jezabel in me kicks in and after plotting on how to separate the three, I end up with Gay dude and Damien and Mick and sista pull their all so common disappearing act. I chill with the dudes and must admit that they are aiight. Damien talks about how he’s bought his fiance lingerie for valentines and is sending it to her (she’s in the UK or something, yah long distance. ) I advice him to get a back up gift, he doesn’t know her size, the all so helping shop attendant asked him to compare his girlfriend’s figure to hers. Classic mistake in the books, don’t buy lingerie if you are going to get the size wrong! They talk about a well known blogger, Bella and agree that he should start getting paid for the entertaining read he provides bloggers across the globe. I don’t tell them that I’m a blogger too (wouldn’t want them reading this!) By this time the poisons are rising high in my head and Jezabel is begging to be freed. I frequent the ladies a couple of times and almost make out with Smooth ( sista’s ex crush, who turned out to be gay. Sorry Sista, I thought about it but nothing happened). Damien was my target, I aimed and struck but missed the main aim. Rather he cured me, I was going home and insisted Damien take me to get a cab. I had prepared him for what lay ahead, the hands do the walking and had him choking out words. Mick had to give me back my bag, they’d hid it coz they didn’t want me to go(How sweeet!) Mick tells me that he pitied me trying that hard and gives me my bag. Damien gives me a push to Mwendaz and when we get there I tell him that he’s lucky he’s practically hitched or I’d get up to no good with him. This elicits no answer from him, I push him to the wall and say ‘What if I told you I wanted to make out with you right here right now?’ ‘I can’t’ he says not trying the least bit to protest. I was now grinding against him and was it the drinks or was he happy? ‘I really want you, you are so sexy. I wish the circumstances were different.’ He manages to whisper. ‘No one has to know’ I tell him. ‘In my heart I’ll know’ he chokes. I ‘give up’ and start walking away.
